Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: world

Hide From the World

It was good to sleep. The anxiety is gone for now, but the depression is here. Though I do feel anxiety every time I think about going back to work. It feels unbearable that life is so difficult for me… And others who are troubled, of course. I know I’m not the only one to feel this way. I still think about suicide often. And sometimes I just wish I could be hospitalized again. Lately more than usual. I would be looked after and I could hide from the world. I wouldn’t have to lead a life. I know there are happy moments but I hate those as well. Because I know I’ll be depressed again; and even though I enjoy them while they are there, I despise them in times like these. I hate myself for being happy. For letting myself feel joy. Every bad thing that happens I hate myself for. So much self-hatred. Even now I know this is a message to nobody; there is no receiver at the other end. So my words will echo empty and I’ll keep counting down the minutes of my loneliness.

Reborn

There’s nothing like an evening out, where you try to dull all your senses with alcohol and loud music. Then sleep unconsciously like a log, having no dreams enter your mind. You wake up with good company and easy morning conversation. A slight hangover is felt in your stomach, but it’s no bother when you take your first sip of a cold, sweet, bubbly Coca-Cola. Damn it’s good.
You’ve never been so awake. It’s chilly October, but today the sun is shining so warmly on your face through the bus window. You close your eyes and pretend that summer is coming.
Did you see that seagull on the field? So beautiful, so white. And you realize how the trees sway in the wind. Have you ever seen a tree sway in the wind before? Not like this. It feels like the first time of everything. A wondrous you is born, you’re stronger and more beautiful than you’ve ever been. Today, the world is yours.

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