Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: reality

Country of Duty

The day before you are sent out is hard to describe. You don’t quite know how to feel… Fear and excitement has passed my body and still mixed emotions are left. I try to convince myself of feeling pride, but what have I accomplished yet? Nothing. Come on! You’ve been training for this moment for so long. Mentally preparing yourself without going anywhere. But imagination is not near reality…
I said my goodbyes and as the train leaves the station tears fill my eyes. I know what I’m leaving behind I may never see again. I pray for my lover, my family, and dear ones. I finally pray for myself. I can already hear the gunshots. I can already smell death. It’s time to face the battle; it is time to let go of who I thought I was. There’s no turning back now… I welcome the war.

Conversing With Reality

Life seems so empty and bad. I can always point out something negative. If I ended my life today what would people think? I wish I had the guts to kill myself, but even in that area I am weak. Will my past ever feel good to me? Will my present? Forever I long for strong love and acceptance. I want a love that tells me I don’t need anything else in my life. But all my thoughts are fantasy; unreal goals just building up the misery. Once I could find comfort in my imagination, it was filled with hope. Now I’m simply growing older so I’ve lost that ability.
The ugly reality is staring at my face, laughing, crying, and shouting at the same time. It hates me and I hate it. Reality makes me crumble and hide…
When will this uncomprehending, meaningless, pondering imbalance in my brain end? There’s no escape! Eternal anxiety with no trigger. Mood-swings that change in a minute. Confused, angry, tearful, cuddly, thankful, blah, blah, blah! Thinking about it is wearing me out. I just want to find peace with myself and be normal. If I can’t be normal let me be great! Let all this nuisance lead to a bigger picture.
But let’s ask reality: Do I have greatness in me? Or am I just trying to convince myself of a destiny? Reality just smiles patronizingly at me without ever saying a word. I feel its pity.

I didn’t make it all up…

I didn’t make it all up with my imagination. The way I see things right now is not an illusion because the way I view the world is my reality. So hence it is reality. Since there is no other than mine in the life I live and… Why shouldn’t I think existence is nothing but darkness? Darkness is all that consumes me lately.

The Prelude Pathetique

When I look back at my life, it’s not that I don’t want to see things exactly as they happened, it’s just that I prefer to remember them in an artistic way. And truthfully the lie of it all is much more honest, because, I invented it. Clinical psychology tells us arguably that trauma is the ultimate killer. Memories are not recycled like atoms, particles and quantum physics. They can be lost forever. It’s sort of like my past is an unfinished painting, and as the artist of that painting I must fill in all the ugly holes and make it beautiful again. It’s not that I’ve been dishonest. It’s just that I loath reality.

– Marry The Night (2011), Lady Gaga

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