Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: past

My Reflection

I had lost myself. I can’t even place when or how, but I know now that I was lost. My focus had shrunk down to the size of a needle point. My ambition was flushed down the drain.

Finally a day arrived where I could pick myself up; a day of opportunity. I had been up for hours, but only spent 15 minutes preparing for the day. Ready, wearing my coat and big winter boots, I spent the next five minutes staring disappointed at my reflection in the mirror. Staring back at me was a despondent body and a colorless, discouraged face. I did try – truthfully. But the result was tiresome.

Standing, waiting, pacing and turning. Rolling my eyes in annoyance. Letting my past creep into my thoughts and haunt my conscience. Turning back time isn’t possible, I tell myself. It’s wasteful thinking about it.

On my way back home I feel like a used rag doll. The recurring memory of my reflection stiffens a frown on my face all the way home. Bashed by deceiving thoughts that crumbled my spirit I had transformed back to that little girl, blinded by fantasy, who forgot her insight.

My forehead and cheeks turn sore from the constant frown. I keep shaking my head. Hating my longing for youth and serenity, I steal a final glimpse of myself in the bus mirror before stepping outside…

No Escape

I dreamed that my friend took me to see a therapist. He wanted me to talk to someone about my pain. He wanted to get me help. When I asked why he did this, he started crying and saying he couldn’t bear helping me anymore. It was too tough on him.
What was worse, is, that the guy I’m dating was with us. He had to sit through the session and listen to all my secrets. He had to know what a mess I was and how I burdened others with my being.
Even in sleep, where you might think you’ll find peace, you can’t run away from yourself. I think my friend in the dream symbolized Levin. The fact that my date was there probably means that I’m scared of showing him what I’ve been through. Who I once was. I’m not even that depressed anymore and I don’t lean on Levin as much as I used to. But my dreams won’t let me forget my past and what I have done. The strange thing is that I felt closer to my date after this dream. I felt more secure. Which is silly, since none of it really happened…

Time Travel

Wow. I had a very intense dream where I traveled back in time. Luckily, I still had my 21-year-old brain while my appearance could change between different ages, all according to the way I wanted people to see me.

In my dream my whole past was mixed together. I was in Maryland but was a ninth grade student and all my grade school friends were there. My first mission was to find her. I found her and engaged in a love relationship with her in order to give her experience, knowledge and a feeling of self-worth. The reason I tried this was to avoid that collision I knew the future had in store for us when we got involved.

I also had an urge to spend time with her older brother, since we never got the chance in the future.

My last agenda was to visit my child self, that time when my parents were still together. My plan was to pretend being a distant relative so that I would be allowed to live with Mama, Papa, my sister and little toddler me for a few days. I hoped that it would help me understand who my parents were, why they are their current selves, and, the most important thing, why I am who I am today. In this plan, I also decided to give myself as much love as I could, in the time I had, while I still was young enough to receive it.

Maybe, all this, would make a difference…

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