Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: pain

Memories

I remember crying and cutting myself. I remember sobbing and muffling my screams with my pillow – I was yelling from the damn pain in my chest. I remember crying and beating another person, letting all my frustrations out on him. Then I crushed someone with hateful words only to let my anger out and even affecting her nightly dreams. Finally I choked a friend out of vengeance towards the life I had, the people around me and, and all terrible things in this world that had nothing to do with me. And I don’t know who I am. I’m just still crying. I’m so tired of thinking, writing and pretending to be someone.
I wish everything went dark, slowly and beautifully.
Today I tried to deafen my mind from my thoughts. I curled myself up in our small bathtub and drowned myself in self-hatred. I tried numbing my emotions by turning the water as hot as possible. But the water eventually turns cold and you have to face the fact, that you have to get out of the tub, and face the world again. For the 700th time you have to start over.

Embrace Your Misery

Endure and persist: this pain will one day be good for you.
In other words: “Welcome this pain, for you will learn from it.

 – Ovid (43 BC-17 AD), Roman poet
With gratitude to Marius De Romanus and The Noonday Demon

Therapy Journal

21:23, August 24th
This notebook is to help me in my darkest hours. I will use it to write down my confusion and pain as an attempt to alleviate that confusion and pain. Most of all I want to stop the suffering my state has caused Levin. I hope I’ve never made his heart hurt… At least now I will turn to this notebook with my dark thoughts and not him. It will be filled with my hate and sorrow and longing for death. And it better be packed with therapeutic journal-material ’cause I paid too much money for it!

Functional

I know, that I’ve become smarter from the pain I’ve experienced. I also know that I should be proud of my obtained knowledge, and, yes, I am glad that my consciousness makes me learn and makes me evolve every day. Nevertheless, I think melancholic about how liberating a life without all these mental challenges would be. I too want to be ignorant…

Fucking life.

Five years it took my sister and she still has strong downfalls. So what have I got to look forward to? Being healthy, but in constant battle? Being functional.

Maybe I can hold on to my dream of ending up like Babushka and Dedushka; and then one can hope that it is worth it.

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