Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: nature

Reborn

There’s nothing like an evening out, where you try to dull all your senses with alcohol and loud music. Then sleep unconsciously like a log, having no dreams enter your mind. You wake up with good company and easy morning conversation. A slight hangover is felt in your stomach, but it’s no bother when you take your first sip of a cold, sweet, bubbly Coca-Cola. Damn it’s good.
You’ve never been so awake. It’s chilly October, but today the sun is shining so warmly on your face through the bus window. You close your eyes and pretend that summer is coming.
Did you see that seagull on the field? So beautiful, so white. And you realize how the trees sway in the wind. Have you ever seen a tree sway in the wind before? Not like this. It feels like the first time of everything. A wondrous you is born, you’re stronger and more beautiful than you’ve ever been. Today, the world is yours.

Disgusting Optimism

In reality I do want sympathy and I, especially, want recognition from old friends. I want them to acknowledge that I have lived in misery. Instead it has all been ignored. ….I don’t give my little sister sympathy. But I must, because I never got it as a child. Not sympathy, not recognition. Today I had my weekly meeting with my contact person. He is a male nurse named Asger assigned to me by the psychological unit in my region. After my meeting with Asger I felt completely drained. Drained – and then recharged.
“Very good. Let’s try to talk it all through thoroughly. Have a safe trip home. Try to look up and see which color the sky has. See you later. Kind regards Asger,” he wrote to me as I left the building where we had just talked. I looked up and there was not one single cloud visible on the sky above. It was this years first summer day. On my way home in the bus I admire nature’s beauty and tell myself: “It’s just the sun, girl! The sun makes you see everything in pretty colors and makes you believe that the world is beautiful!” Good, I think. Realism. Repress that disgusting optimism.

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