Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: lost

My Reflection

I had lost myself. I can’t even place when or how, but I know now that I was lost. My focus had shrunk down to the size of a needle point. My ambition was flushed down the drain.

Finally a day arrived where I could pick myself up; a day of opportunity. I had been up for hours, but only spent 15 minutes preparing for the day. Ready, wearing my coat and big winter boots, I spent the next five minutes staring disappointed at my reflection in the mirror. Staring back at me was a despondent body and a colorless, discouraged face. I did try – truthfully. But the result was tiresome.

Standing, waiting, pacing and turning. Rolling my eyes in annoyance. Letting my past creep into my thoughts and haunt my conscience. Turning back time isn’t possible, I tell myself. It’s wasteful thinking about it.

On my way back home I feel like a used rag doll. The recurring memory of my reflection stiffens a frown on my face all the way home. Bashed by deceiving thoughts that crumbled my spirit I had transformed back to that little girl, blinded by fantasy, who forgot her insight.

My forehead and cheeks turn sore from the constant frown. I keep shaking my head. Hating my longing for youth and serenity, I steal a final glimpse of myself in the bus mirror before stepping outside…

Loser of Life

I’m overflown with the feeling of hopelessness. Suddenly I see no future in myself. I give up constantly. Why? I don’t understand why I have this helplessness in me. I could do everything and anything once. So may possibilities, so many choices. Now I feel like nothing. Like I’ve lost in life. I’m just no good…

Close Your Eyes

You’re desperate; desperate for so many things you are too lazy to even try to accomplish. You give up before beginning. You can’t even remember why you are so desperate. The only thing you see is this black hole you find yourself in. You eat to feel better; hoping the short vague pleasure will help; it only makes you feel worse.
Put on Tchaikovsky and let his creative tunes caress your mind. The music shows you old fairy tales and you taste Russian greatness. Slow beauty, steady accumulation, the echo of careful bells, sharp outbursts, and playful sounds turn into powerful roars. When you hear the choir of little boys sing you imagine such simplified glory. Their song makes you feel loved. You remember when you were happy. Finally the music allows you to disappear.
Just close your eyes.

So Horribly Banal

Looking forward, life seems so long and unattainable. I still feel so lost. But I saw joy in rising tired from the bed and taking something given to me by my love, my best friend. It was the most meaningless action without thought or achievement. So horribly banal. Though when it happened, I felt happiness once again today. With him I believe in a heaven and I imagine I’m there. The love I always seek is right in front of me. We run to each other, we embrace each other, he swings me around. We laugh alone and together, we hold each other, we feel safe together. I even sing him love songs…
It’s the familiarity and our combined everyday that’s so magical. How our unoriginal boredom actually is pleasure and special moments. Doing nothing of any importance, as long as we do it together. Growing together. Being together. Even if we’re not lovers, we are friends, and I want to grow old with him in any way. This is our love.
I always thought if I had real love than everything would be okay. It’s a lie, but true at the same time.
Yet life seems so long and unmanageable.

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