Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: life

A Day

Another gray day making its mark on a black soul.

A gray day.
A gray mood.
A black soul.

Mediocre life.
No value.
No meaning.

Universe
Infinity
Death

Hide From the World

It was good to sleep. The anxiety is gone for now, but the depression is here. Though I do feel anxiety every time I think about going back to work. It feels unbearable that life is so difficult for me… And others who are troubled, of course. I know I’m not the only one to feel this way. I still think about suicide often. And sometimes I just wish I could be hospitalized again. Lately more than usual. I would be looked after and I could hide from the world. I wouldn’t have to lead a life. I know there are happy moments but I hate those as well. Because I know I’ll be depressed again; and even though I enjoy them while they are there, I despise them in times like these. I hate myself for being happy. For letting myself feel joy. Every bad thing that happens I hate myself for. So much self-hatred. Even now I know this is a message to nobody; there is no receiver at the other end. So my words will echo empty and I’ll keep counting down the minutes of my loneliness.

Everything and Ulla Vilstrup

If you can’t handle some hardship, you aren’t equipped to handle life
Life is what you make of it

– Alting og Ulla Vilstrup (1998) by Kim Fupz Aakeson
Danish author born in 1958

Fear of Future

I’ve become so strong. But still I feel so weak. Maybe I’ll become even stronger, maybe life will get even better. I just can’t help but be afraid that these things will never happen. I’m so afraid and still depressed. Can I not be satisfied? Do I not have the willpower?

So Horribly Banal

Looking forward, life seems so long and unattainable. I still feel so lost. But I saw joy in rising tired from the bed and taking something given to me by my love, my best friend. It was the most meaningless action without thought or achievement. So horribly banal. Though when it happened, I felt happiness once again today. With him I believe in a heaven and I imagine I’m there. The love I always seek is right in front of me. We run to each other, we embrace each other, he swings me around. We laugh alone and together, we hold each other, we feel safe together. I even sing him love songs…
It’s the familiarity and our combined everyday that’s so magical. How our unoriginal boredom actually is pleasure and special moments. Doing nothing of any importance, as long as we do it together. Growing together. Being together. Even if we’re not lovers, we are friends, and I want to grow old with him in any way. This is our love.
I always thought if I had real love than everything would be okay. It’s a lie, but true at the same time.
Yet life seems so long and unmanageable.

I Felt a Funeral, In My Brain, (340)

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading – treading – till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through –

And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum –
Kept beating – beating – till I thought
My Mind was going numb

And then I heard them lift a Box
And creak across my Soul
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space – began to toll,

As if the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And, I, and Silence, some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here –

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,
And I dropped down, and down –
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing – then –

 By Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)

I want a reason…

I want a reason for my existence. There is none. I’ll have to make it up if I want one and when I do it won’t feel convincing. I’ve made up reasons before but I haven’t been able to hold on to them. Is recognition enough for your will of living? Is it a reason? It is completely uncomprehending how lucky I am to have Levin. No wonder I dream of a future with him and always have since we found each other. Lately I’ve been so happy with him or should I say exceptionally joyful of having him by my side; of knowing him. That might be the closest I’ve yet been to true happiness: the love I feel for him. The love and recognition he feels for me. But right now it only helps me survive, it doesn’t help me live. Besides, we’re only friends now.

I didn’t make it all up…

I didn’t make it all up with my imagination. The way I see things right now is not an illusion because the way I view the world is my reality. So hence it is reality. Since there is no other than mine in the life I live and… Why shouldn’t I think existence is nothing but darkness? Darkness is all that consumes me lately.

The Woman and The Ape

Many years before this, Bally had discovered that life consisted of a series of repetitions, each less savory than its predecessor – an overall distastefulness in which man himself was but one more repetition.

 – Page 4, The Woman and The Ape (1996), Peter Høeg

Life Takes Over

I watched her being devoured in front of me … and I couldn’t do anything. I thought I wouldn’t be able to survive without her, but then … life always takes over.

– Emmanuelle 3, Goodbye Emmanuelle (1977)

%d bloggers like this: