Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: imagination

Country of Duty

The day before you are sent out is hard to describe. You don’t quite know how to feel… Fear and excitement has passed my body and still mixed emotions are left. I try to convince myself of feeling pride, but what have I accomplished yet? Nothing. Come on! You’ve been training for this moment for so long. Mentally preparing yourself without going anywhere. But imagination is not near reality…
I said my goodbyes and as the train leaves the station tears fill my eyes. I know what I’m leaving behind I may never see again. I pray for my lover, my family, and dear ones. I finally pray for myself. I can already hear the gunshots. I can already smell death. It’s time to face the battle; it is time to let go of who I thought I was. There’s no turning back now… I welcome the war.

Conversing With Reality

Life seems so empty and bad. I can always point out something negative. If I ended my life today what would people think? I wish I had the guts to kill myself, but even in that area I am weak. Will my past ever feel good to me? Will my present? Forever I long for strong love and acceptance. I want a love that tells me I don’t need anything else in my life. But all my thoughts are fantasy; unreal goals just building up the misery. Once I could find comfort in my imagination, it was filled with hope. Now I’m simply growing older so I’ve lost that ability.
The ugly reality is staring at my face, laughing, crying, and shouting at the same time. It hates me and I hate it. Reality makes me crumble and hide…
When will this uncomprehending, meaningless, pondering imbalance in my brain end? There’s no escape! Eternal anxiety with no trigger. Mood-swings that change in a minute. Confused, angry, tearful, cuddly, thankful, blah, blah, blah! Thinking about it is wearing me out. I just want to find peace with myself and be normal. If I can’t be normal let me be great! Let all this nuisance lead to a bigger picture.
But let’s ask reality: Do I have greatness in me? Or am I just trying to convince myself of a destiny? Reality just smiles patronizingly at me without ever saying a word. I feel its pity.

I didn’t make it all up…

I didn’t make it all up with my imagination. The way I see things right now is not an illusion because the way I view the world is my reality. So hence it is reality. Since there is no other than mine in the life I live and… Why shouldn’t I think existence is nothing but darkness? Darkness is all that consumes me lately.

Melting

On my way home this evening, I look at the reflections in the train window with a melancholic yearning. I imagine to melt into the thick glass, flow through it and revolve into a different dimension. Here, everything would be different.

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