Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: ignorance

A Day of Nothing

The gentle rocking is usually like a cradle, the constant humming an inane lullaby. But today I was wide awake in the train. It was one of those days where you’re in between. Neither happy, nor sad. Not excited or bored. I just kinda felt empty. I guess I was tired of all emotions, I was letting life take over… As it always does.
Through the day I had learned a life lesson; I gained a motto; I received a compliment. None of which had the biggest effect on me. Then, standing in the same spot for the third hour a little surprise hit me: I was given a chunk of yellow hard candy. Of course I gladly accepted it threw it in my mouth.
The day had passed on slowly. A colleague, I thought was a friend, had ignored me twice just walking right by me as he left the store. Two acquaintances from high school approached me and had treated me as if they didn’t know me. As if we hadn’t spent three years of our lives in the same building, seeing each others faces almost every day. A costumer hadn’tĀ even spared me a glance as I opened the door for her and her occupied hands.
So… A day feeling nothing; a day filled with nothing.

Are my experiences not worthy?

I ask about her life, I ask about her education and the things she has experienced through it. She’s been through a development in character, her limits have been tested and she definitely has had some thrills.
What have I experienced? Well, my depression has been highly self-evolving, different and in a way it has “stolen” my values and identity. But why is this not a subject curious to others? Why won’t she (or others) ask about my life? Are my experiences not worthy? Or is she simply unaware of my struggle?
I lied when I told her that her journey has inspired my wish to travel abroad and do volunteer work. Stupid! That credit is mine and only mine. I guess she can look back to endurance and strength. I can look back at pain and fear.

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