Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: happy

Feliz

Happy. That’s exactly my problem.
That I can’t be happy. I never have been.
Not even when good things happen to me.
You can’t imagine what it means to wake up
every day with no motivation.
The effort it takes me to find a reason.
Just one. Not to let it all go to hell.
And believe me. I give it my best shot.
My very best. Every day of my life.

 – Mientras duermes (2011), translation from movie

After The High

Depression always hits you after you’ve been soaring high. I was happy for about 24 hours (come and go), but after the excitement wore off so did the joy. I’m fine now, but it was devastating when I realized that this time I hadn’t prepared myself for a downfall. Usually I’m careful about being too happy, I know I’ll fall over, again, eventually. This time I forgot what was waiting ahead after the high. It’s like I’m permanently broken or dysfunctional; always having to pick myself up. Maybe I’m just scarred from my depression and the scar is too apparent to forget and ignore. Maybe i can’t handle the grays in life or maybe I simply want more than there is. Maybe enough time hasn’t passed. Or maybe, this is just me.

To Be Prepared

You never believe during depression that you will feel better. You’ll never again experience bright days. And it’s been around 3½ years with pain, downfalls, giving up and so much fighting. Fighting with others, fighting with myself, fighting to keep going and fighting to survive. But now… Right now I feel good. I think I’ve been happy for almost a week. Imagine that. I can look up into the world, nod and smile.
“I’m alright,” I think. But every now and then I remember the fear of falling back into the madness. Back to feeling abnormal and isolated from life. I want to be prepared, even if that is impossible. It’s just too strange being in this good state. Unreal… Yet I am smiling while writing this.

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