Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: fear

Country of Duty

The day before you are sent out is hard to describe. You don’t quite know how to feel… Fear and excitement has passed my body and still mixed emotions are left. I try to convince myself of feeling pride, but what have I accomplished yet? Nothing. Come on! You’ve been training for this moment for so long. Mentally preparing yourself without going anywhere. But imagination is not near reality…
I said my goodbyes and as the train leaves the station tears fill my eyes. I know what I’m leaving behind I may never see again. I pray for my lover, my family, and dear ones. I finally pray for myself. I can already hear the gunshots. I can already smell death. It’s time to face the battle; it is time to let go of who I thought I was. There’s no turning back now… I welcome the war.

Fear of Future

I’ve become so strong. But still I feel so weak. Maybe I’ll become even stronger, maybe life will get even better. I just can’t help but be afraid that these things will never happen. I’m so afraid and still depressed. Can I not be satisfied? Do I not have the willpower?

Losing Yourself

Thoughts passing my mind would only seduce the self consciousness making it show me all my wrongs, all my imperfections. I will be convinced by my loneliness while it feeds desperation in my heart. A hatred toward my being will puncture all security in me, showing me horrible pictures of self destruction. Then fear will take over as it builds my insomnia. I lose myself. Insanity is all I feel and whatever is left is unknown.

A Farewell

I would like to thank all of you who are here, and all of those who cannot be. I shall not forget you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have brought you here today with a great deal of emotion to tell you some important news concerning my personal life and my work. At 18, I was lucky enough to become assistant to Christian Dior, to succeed him at 21 and to meet my success with my very first collection in 1958, 44 years ago in just a few days. Since then I have lived for my work and through my work. I am very proud that women around the world wear trouser suits, tuxedos, car coats and trench coats. I tell myself that I have created the modern woman’s wardrobe, that I have taken part in the transformation of my times. Forgive me for drawing any vanity from this since I have for a long time believed that fashion’s role was not simply to make women more beautiful but also to reassure them, give them confidence and allow them to assert themselves.
Every man needs aesthetic ghosts in order to live. I have pursued them, sought them, hunted them down. I have experienced many forms of anxiety, many forms of hell, I have known fear and terrible solitude, the false friendship of tranquilizers and drugs, the prison of depression and mental homes. I emerged from all that one day, dazzled but sober. Marcel Proust had taught me that ‘the splendid and pathetic family of the neurotic is the salt of the earth‘.
I did not choose this fatal lineage, yet it is what allowed me to rise up in the heaven of the artistic creation, frequent what Rimbaud called ‘the makers of fire‘, find myself, and understand, that the most important encounter in life is the encounter with oneself.

Even so, I have chosen today to bid farewell to this profession that I have loved so much.”

– Yves Saint Laurent, retirement speech, 2002

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