Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: dreaming

No Escape

I dreamed that my friend took me to see a therapist. He wanted me to talk to someone about my pain. He wanted to get me help. When I asked why he did this, he started crying and saying he couldn’t bear helping me anymore. It was too tough on him.
What was worse, is, that the guy I’m dating was with us. He had to sit through the session and listen to all my secrets. He had to know what a mess I was and how I burdened others with my being.
Even in sleep, where you might think you’ll find peace, you can’t run away from yourself. I think my friend in the dream symbolized Levin. The fact that my date was there probably means that I’m scared of showing him what I’ve been through. Who I once was. I’m not even that depressed anymore and I don’t lean on Levin as much as I used to. But my dreams won’t let me forget my past and what I have done. The strange thing is that I felt closer to my date after this dream. I felt more secure. Which is silly, since none of it really happened…

Pear Cider

I woke up by wetting myself. Jesus! Who wets their bed at the age of 21? I just know that I was drunk from my sorrow. I was swimming in self-pity and gulping down self-loathing as if it was pear cider. In reality my mind and body wanted water, but I wasn’t good enough or strong enough to get up and get it from the kitchen. I thought unpleasantly about how the cider tasted of pure sugar as it ran through my mouth and down my throat while hurting my unbrushed teeth. I just know I couldn’t bring myself to getting out of bed. If I pretend long enough to not be present maybe I will disappear? So I go to the bathroom wondering if I’m still dreaming in my sleep or if I actually did get up. I don’t feel awake.

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