Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: diary

Therapy Journal

21:23, August 24th
This notebook is to help me in my darkest hours. I will use it to write down my confusion and pain as an attempt to alleviate that confusion and pain. Most of all I want to stop the suffering my state has caused Levin. I hope I’ve never made his heart hurt… At least now I will turn to this notebook with my dark thoughts and not him. It will be filled with my hate and sorrow and longing for death. And it better be packed with therapeutic journal-material ’cause I paid too much money for it!

Human Reflections

I saw a reflection of myself in another human; a boy so shy he could only muster yeses and polite laughter – exactly how I respond to people. I was the confident one in this scenario. What a funny and comforting experience to meet him…

Disgusting Optimism

In reality I do want sympathy and I, especially, want recognition from old friends. I want them to acknowledge that I have lived in misery. Instead it has all been ignored. ….I don’t give my little sister sympathy. But I must, because I never got it as a child. Not sympathy, not recognition. Today I had my weekly meeting with my contact person. He is a male nurse named Asger assigned to me by the psychological unit in my region. After my meeting with Asger I felt completely drained. Drained – and then recharged.
“Very good. Let’s try to talk it all through thoroughly. Have a safe trip home. Try to look up and see which color the sky has. See you later. Kind regards Asger,” he wrote to me as I left the building where we had just talked. I looked up and there was not one single cloud visible on the sky above. It was this years first summer day. On my way home in the bus I admire nature’s beauty and tell myself: “It’s just the sun, girl! The sun makes you see everything in pretty colors and makes you believe that the world is beautiful!” Good, I think. Realism. Repress that disgusting optimism.

Depression vs. Melancholia

I believe too many are stuffed with anti-depressives and that this medication is given way too quickly. But there is a difference between depression and melancholy and the trouble is that depression is approached completely wrong by doctors (who often are the ones we first turn to in search of help). Ten minutes at the doctor’s office and he/she knows what’s going on in our heads? No, I don’t think so.

For the individual, melancholic suffering is intensified and gradually becomes more unmanageable because of the way it is viewed by our society and fellow men. You become estranged and mostly ignored. They can’t accept it, so naturally neither can you.

In my opinion melancholy is actually an incredibly beautiful state of mind. It’s a feeling which enhances you and changes the way you see the world. It allows you to gain compassion and a deeper understanding. It gives us courage to seek answers we wouldn’t even know existed without that melancholy. But if we look up the word “melancholia” in the dictionary the emotion is described as a disease and from here, maybe, we can understand why it is so unwelcome and unacceptable. Despite that all of us experience sadness in our hearts.

I like to cultivate my melancholia because it helps me grow and gives my life wonder. I like to indulge in thoughtfulness and look from the ground to the skies. Melancholia is not always a gripping negative emotion consumed by misery from our surroundings.

A feeling of melancholy is not the same as depression. Happiness is not a state we can live in uninterrupted. It’s not pills we need to fill ourselves with. Sometimes we just need a hand to hold on to while we walk.

Today…

Today, once again, I could feel the heartaches. I desperately need a meaning…

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