Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: depression

Trying

There are so many things I ought to do. So many obligations. So much work. All to become a better person and to help myself. Why does it all seem so impossible? Is it still depression holding me back? Am I purposely against my own well-being? All this anger, disappointment and annoyance – all of it towards myself. When will I let it all go?
I’ll try once again this week, I’ll try harder than before. I’m not only going to survive, I’m going to live how I want to. And maybe I’ll finally stop crying.

Memories

I remember crying and cutting myself. I remember sobbing and muffling my screams with my pillow – I was yelling from the damn pain in my chest. I remember crying and beating another person, letting all my frustrations out on him. Then I crushed someone with hateful words only to let my anger out and even affecting her nightly dreams. Finally I choked a friend out of vengeance towards the life I had, the people around me and, and all terrible things in this world that had nothing to do with me. And I don’t know who I am. I’m just still crying. I’m so tired of thinking, writing and pretending to be someone.
I wish everything went dark, slowly and beautifully.
Today I tried to deafen my mind from my thoughts. I curled myself up in our small bathtub and drowned myself in self-hatred. I tried numbing my emotions by turning the water as hot as possible. But the water eventually turns cold and you have to face the fact, that you have to get out of the tub, and face the world again. For the 700th time you have to start over.

After The High

Depression always hits you after you’ve been soaring high. I was happy for about 24 hours (come and go), but after the excitement wore off so did the joy. I’m fine now, but it was devastating when I realized that this time I hadn’t prepared myself for a downfall. Usually I’m careful about being too happy, I know I’ll fall over, again, eventually. This time I forgot what was waiting ahead after the high. It’s like I’m permanently broken or dysfunctional; always having to pick myself up. Maybe I’m just scarred from my depression and the scar is too apparent to forget and ignore. Maybe i can’t handle the grays in life or maybe I simply want more than there is. Maybe enough time hasn’t passed. Or maybe, this is just me.

Becoming Depressed

The air seems thick and resistant, as though it were full of mushed-up bread. Becoming depressed is like going blind, the darkness at first gradual, then encompassing; it is like going deaf, hearing less and less until a terrible silence is all around you, until you cannot make any sound of your own to penetrate the quite. It is like feeling your clothing slowly turning into wood on your body, a stiffness in the elbows and the knees progressing to a terrible weight and an isolating immobility that will atrophy you and in time destroy you.

– Page 50, The Noonday Demon (2001), Andrew Solomon

To Be Prepared

You never believe during depression that you will feel better. You’ll never again experience bright days. And it’s been around 3½ years with pain, downfalls, giving up and so much fighting. Fighting with others, fighting with myself, fighting to keep going and fighting to survive. But now… Right now I feel good. I think I’ve been happy for almost a week. Imagine that. I can look up into the world, nod and smile.
“I’m alright,” I think. But every now and then I remember the fear of falling back into the madness. Back to feeling abnormal and isolated from life. I want to be prepared, even if that is impossible. It’s just too strange being in this good state. Unreal… Yet I am smiling while writing this.

Take a Break

I finally understand what Andrew Solomon means when he writes: “I’m afraid of lamb chops again”.
The point is that there are some periods of time where you can’t do anything else than let the depression take over. Just let it be, endure it as long as it lasts and then you are ready to move on. Maybe depression breaks your brain and you need to hide away from life for a while in order to survive it. Or maybe the breakdown is a warning signal, to keep you away from the things that are bad for you.

Embrace Your Misery

Endure and persist: this pain will one day be good for you.
In other words: “Welcome this pain, for you will learn from it.

 – Ovid (43 BC-17 AD), Roman poet
With gratitude to Marius De Romanus and The Noonday Demon

Another Day

I’m embarrassed by my own existence.

Losing Yourself

Thoughts passing my mind would only seduce the self consciousness making it show me all my wrongs, all my imperfections. I will be convinced by my loneliness while it feeds desperation in my heart. A hatred toward my being will puncture all security in me, showing me horrible pictures of self destruction. Then fear will take over as it builds my insomnia. I lose myself. Insanity is all I feel and whatever is left is unknown.

Forget, work, love

‘Depression is under the skin, all the surface of the body has the depression just below it, and we cannot take it out; but we can try to forget the depression even though it is right there.’ […] ‘There is a final step,’ she said to me after a long pause. ‘At the end, I teach them the most important thing. I teach them that these three skills – forgetting, working, and loving – are not three separate skills, but part of one enormous whole, and that it is the practice of these things together, each as part of the others, that makes a difference. It is the hardest thing to convey’ – she laughed – ‘but they all come to understand this, and when they do – why, then they are ready to go into the world again.’

 – Phaly Nuon, The Noonday Demon (2001), Andrew Solomon

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