Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: confusion

Bewildered

Papa just wrote to me. I had a slight urge to cry when I read his message. I still do thinking about it. I find it so hard with family. Why can’t you turn your back on them? How long shall you keep trying? Am I not able to forgive? Am I not stronger than giving up all the time? Hiding and crying. How many wrongs will I survive? Or is it me who’s completely wrong? Am I to blame? Should I patch things up or let go?

The End

All this confusion. Why am I with this person? Better to be with someone than to be alone, I guess. We’re not even really together. And dreams don’t come true. Except maybe with Levin. Or maybe I just made them come true with him. I want to skip forward to a time where I’m not confused. Where I have a purpose. A person I love. Who loves me. A memory to keep forever. Strength built from one another. A family. Then I’ll stay there as long as possible. Maybe I’ll fast forward to yet another place in my life where I’m at rest and have a smile on my face. Will there be any place I would want to stay? ‘Cause finally, after experiencing those short happy moments… I can reach the end. Where no worries are found, no doubts, no unknowns. Just the moment where you let go.

Trying

There are so many things I ought to do. So many obligations. So much work. All to become a better person and to help myself. Why does it all seem so impossible? Is it still depression holding me back? Am I purposely against my own well-being? All this anger, disappointment and annoyance – all of it towards myself. When will I let it all go?
I’ll try once again this week, I’ll try harder than before. I’m not only going to survive, I’m going to live how I want to. And maybe I’ll finally stop crying.

Conversing With Reality

Life seems so empty and bad. I can always point out something negative. If I ended my life today what would people think? I wish I had the guts to kill myself, but even in that area I am weak. Will my past ever feel good to me? Will my present? Forever I long for strong love and acceptance. I want a love that tells me I don’t need anything else in my life. But all my thoughts are fantasy; unreal goals just building up the misery. Once I could find comfort in my imagination, it was filled with hope. Now I’m simply growing older so I’ve lost that ability.
The ugly reality is staring at my face, laughing, crying, and shouting at the same time. It hates me and I hate it. Reality makes me crumble and hide…
When will this uncomprehending, meaningless, pondering imbalance in my brain end? There’s no escape! Eternal anxiety with no trigger. Mood-swings that change in a minute. Confused, angry, tearful, cuddly, thankful, blah, blah, blah! Thinking about it is wearing me out. I just want to find peace with myself and be normal. If I can’t be normal let me be great! Let all this nuisance lead to a bigger picture.
But let’s ask reality: Do I have greatness in me? Or am I just trying to convince myself of a destiny? Reality just smiles patronizingly at me without ever saying a word. I feel its pity.

Therapy Journal

21:23, August 24th
This notebook is to help me in my darkest hours. I will use it to write down my confusion and pain as an attempt to alleviate that confusion and pain. Most of all I want to stop the suffering my state has caused Levin. I hope I’ve never made his heart hurt… At least now I will turn to this notebook with my dark thoughts and not him. It will be filled with my hate and sorrow and longing for death. And it better be packed with therapeutic journal-material ’cause I paid too much money for it!

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