Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: childhood

Memories

I remember crying and cutting myself. I remember sobbing and muffling my screams with my pillow – I was yelling from the damn pain in my chest. I remember crying and beating another person, letting all my frustrations out on him. Then I crushed someone with hateful words only to let my anger out and even affecting her nightly dreams. Finally I choked a friend out of vengeance towards the life I had, the people around me and, and all terrible things in this world that had nothing to do with me. And I don’t know who I am. I’m just still crying. I’m so tired of thinking, writing and pretending to be someone.
I wish everything went dark, slowly and beautifully.
Today I tried to deafen my mind from my thoughts. I curled myself up in our small bathtub and drowned myself in self-hatred. I tried numbing my emotions by turning the water as hot as possible. But the water eventually turns cold and you have to face the fact, that you have to get out of the tub, and face the world again. For the 700th time you have to start over.

Time Travel

Wow. I had a very intense dream where I traveled back in time. Luckily, I still had my 21-year-old brain while my appearance could change between different ages, all according to the way I wanted people to see me.

In my dream my whole past was mixed together. I was in Maryland but was a ninth grade student and all my grade school friends were there. My first mission was to find her. I found her and engaged in a love relationship with her in order to give her experience, knowledge and a feeling of self-worth. The reason I tried this was to avoid that collision I knew the future had in store for us when we got involved.

I also had an urge to spend time with her older brother, since we never got the chance in the future.

My last agenda was to visit my child self, that time when my parents were still together. My plan was to pretend being a distant relative so that I would be allowed to live with Mama, Papa, my sister and little toddler me for a few days. I hoped that it would help me understand who my parents were, why they are their current selves, and, the most important thing, why I am who I am today. In this plan, I also decided to give myself as much love as I could, in the time I had, while I still was young enough to receive it.

Maybe, all this, would make a difference…

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