Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: breakdown

I Felt a Funeral, In My Brain, (340)

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading – treading – till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through –

And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum –
Kept beating – beating – till I thought
My Mind was going numb

And then I heard them lift a Box
And creak across my Soul
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space – began to toll,

As if the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And, I, and Silence, some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here –

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,
And I dropped down, and down –
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing – then –

 By Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)

Take a Break

I finally understand what Andrew Solomon means when he writes: “I’m afraid of lamb chops again”.
The point is that there are some periods of time where you can’t do anything else than let the depression take over. Just let it be, endure it as long as it lasts and then you are ready to move on. Maybe depression breaks your brain and you need to hide away from life for a while in order to survive it. Or maybe the breakdown is a warning signal, to keep you away from the things that are bad for you.

Losing Yourself

Thoughts passing my mind would only seduce the self consciousness making it show me all my wrongs, all my imperfections. I will be convinced by my loneliness while it feeds desperation in my heart. A hatred toward my being will puncture all security in me, showing me horrible pictures of self destruction. Then fear will take over as it builds my insomnia. I lose myself. Insanity is all I feel and whatever is left is unknown.

Habit-Breakdown

I’m having a breakdown. But I don’t feel that bad… My energy is missing, I’m lying in bed, I feel down, and I don’t wanna do anything. ANYTHING. Yet this “breakdown” is different. It feels more like a habit breakdown than a real one. It’s like my body and mind made this happen because it’s happened so many times before and because my body is used to it. It’s weird… Strange. Unexplainable to me at the moment. A habit-breakdown.

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