Hope Contagium

A therapy journal of self-obsession, depression and meaning.

Tag: anger

Intimacy

Once in a while I remember her soft skin and our kisses. It’s a secret though, because it’s all in the past. It was a different intimacy than I’ve ever experienced with any other – with any men. It was so gentle and equal. Even if we fought like no other, were confused about it all, were frustrated and inexperienced, it was still special. Because it was so different, foreign, and new to us both. It built up from somewhere unknown – that was the beauty. Neither of us knew what we were doing. So many tears were spilled, so much spite thrown at the other… I still feel the specks of passion in us and the sense of affection towards her. I still look at her with curiosity and see her wonder.
Longing for a better ending, for a better now, frightful of our lost future, I do accept the turn of events. The whole memory is unclear; I’ve forgotten all the whys, hows, and whos. But I clearly remember that soft skin and her kiss.

Trying

There are so many things I ought to do. So many obligations. So much work. All to become a better person and to help myself. Why does it all seem so impossible? Is it still depression holding me back? Am I purposely against my own well-being? All this anger, disappointment and annoyance – all of it towards myself. When will I let it all go?
I’ll try once again this week, I’ll try harder than before. I’m not only going to survive, I’m going to live how I want to. And maybe I’ll finally stop crying.

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