I remember crying and cutting myself. I remember sobbing and muffling my screams with my pillow – I was yelling from the damn pain in my chest. I remember crying and beating another person, letting all my frustrations out on him. Then I crushed someone with hateful words only to let my anger out and even affecting her nightly dreams. Finally I choked a friend out of vengeance towards the life I had, the people around me and, and all terrible things in this world that had nothing to do with me. And I don’t know who I am. I’m just still crying. I’m so tired of thinking, writing and pretending to be someone.
I wish everything went dark, slowly and beautifully.
Today I tried to deafen my mind from my thoughts. I curled myself up in our small bathtub and drowned myself in self-hatred. I tried numbing my emotions by turning the water as hot as possible. But the water eventually turns cold and you have to face the fact, that you have to get out of the tub, and face the world again. For the 700th time you have to start over.